I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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