youre lurking in front of me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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