Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
