Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
