if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
