You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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