Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
