Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
