I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
