My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
