i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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