I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And then my night got REAL pukey
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
