I hate all girls vehemently.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
