Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
