I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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