So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
