i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
