So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
