Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
