My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
