So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
