There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
