I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
