I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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