Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
