Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
