I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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