Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
