I'm gonna have a badass scar
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
