Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
