my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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