Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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