with your own penis?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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