Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
