maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
