A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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