I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
