I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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