I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
