you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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