what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
