he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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