My liver just broke up with me...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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