you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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