I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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