After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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