oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
