Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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