I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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