Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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