I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
